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the
world of sex
and relationships.
The thought
of being gay
never really
crossed my
mind, although
looking back
it’s
obvious to
me now that
what I considered
close friendships
then were actually
crushes. Occasionally
people asked
me why I didn’t
have a girlfriend
and I simply
said I wasn’t
interested
in relationships
and they believed
me - well,
why wouldn’t
they? After
all it's what
I believed.
My life pretty much continued like
this through university and into
my working life. I had a girlfriend
for a short time just after I left
uni - not because of love or lust
but because my friends pressured
me into the relationship. We went
out for several months and even
spent two weeks on holiday together,
and even though we shared a bed
we never had sex and in the end
she gave up trying to understand
me and we split up. She always
said I was putting up barriers
to her, and while at the time I
couldn’t understand what
she meant it is now so clear. She
could see deep in me I was hiding
something.
I dedicated my life to working,
spending nearly all my waking hours
designing, either for work or for
friends; it was an easy way to
fill my time. I moved to Nottingham
to take up what I thought was a
dream job - but it turned out to
be a nightmare. I ended up realising
I was in a job I hated trying too
hard to be a person I wasn’t.
I made a few new friends there,
especially with two guys who lived
in the top flat of the building
I lived in.
They were gay and on several occasions
I nearly asked for their help and
advice as the truth about me gradually
started to work its way into my
consciousness, instead I moved
and my life slowly got unhappier
and unhappier.
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